Today.....is hard I can't quite put my finger on it. Today I woke up in the middle of a pity party...my own. Not sure what brought this on, but I am right in the smack middle of one. Ready to find out the pathology reports, scared to the find out the pathology reports. Wanting to exercise....but know that at least for this week I need to take it easy. I seem to be eating everything in sight....even when I'm not really hungry.....I think I have what is known in German as : Kummerspeck......Literally translated as "Grief Bacon". It refers to the excess weight gained from emotional overeating.
Today was the last meeting of a weight loss group I belong to....a day of celebration and honor to those that had learned the secrets to shedding pounds and made the commitment to losing weight and more importantly to getting healthy and fit.....and then to begin the hard part of maintenance.
I wasn't going to go to the meeting. After all I hadn't weighed in for 3-4 weeks and I know from weighing myself and from being weighed at the doctor's offices that I had gained several pounds....from the time that I had started this most recent phase of the program and more than several pounds from a year ago when I was the star participant of the program....a time when I was on top of the world....healthy and strong and happy.....and slimmer than I had ever been. I had decided not to go to the finale meeting today....because I'd failed so miserably....because I was far from that place I was a year ago....or gee now that I think about it maybe it was two years ago. Time flies by so quickly these days.
But at the very last minute, I decided to go to the meeting this morning. And I sat way off to the side, and so unlike me, didn't offer any great ideas to keep the weight off or stay motivated or give thoughts on how wonderful you feel when you feel in control of your health and fitness.......I just listened because I was having a pity party....and I felt like I had lost all control of my health and my fitness.....I feel overweight....because I am overweight. I feel unmotivated....I feel like I've let everyone down....because this blog was originally set up as a motivational tool to help people realize they could make change in their lives, that it didn't matter their age....or their health issues....they would know..........
Today I don't feel like a motivator. Today in that meeting....I wanted to be excited for those other people who had accomplished so much. Today, sitting at the side of the room, I wanted to stand up and say: "No matter what, you have to stay motivated. A torn Achilles Tendon and even Cancer....are just bends in the road.....you have to accept that you have them, let your body heal, do what must be done to get yourself healthy again.....and then (as they say), you have to climb right back up on the horse and ride like the wind.....reset your goals and get after achieving them again." That's what I should have said. But I didn't...I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. Damn this Cancer. Damn this waiting. Damn this lifelong struggle to lose weight.
OK.....so give me a moment to cry.....and give me a moment to wallow in my own self pity.....Give me several moments....maybe the rest of the day to take some deep breaths and gain my composure and get my "I'm not afraid" face back on
I can get through this. I will be able to get back to the gym. I will not let this stop me. I promised myself and a lot of people that it is possible to get, stay and be fit at 99. I am am not going to let you or myself down. As so many wonderful singers like Frank Sinatra have sung before....I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again...because
and because and because
and that's what I want my message here to be....as I've said in some of my other posts.....Life may throw you curve balls......just keep on swinging.
Thanks for being a shoulder for me to cry on today. Thanks for being patient with me. Thanks for not always following my example....but instead facing failure and setbacks head on and just never ever give up. I'll get through this cancer and you'll get through whatever demon you are facing....it's OK to cry and feel bad for a day.....but tomorrow.....Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off and Start all over again! Smile even when you don't want to:
But for today.....if you don't mind......and join me if you want to.....just leave me a comment....that you get this occasional day that comes our way.....because today I'm having an.........