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Monday, April 21, 2014

Don't pay the randsom....

Hey there.....so I guess maybe you all thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth....and sometimes it feels like that.  And sometimes I wish the world would stop so I could step off for a while.

I've kind of gotten myself into a mental pickle of sadness, guilt, resentment, and very mixed emotions about things that I never thought would bother me.

Suffice it to say I am not my old cheerful, motivated, committed bubbly self and I decided it was time for me to try to work at climbing out of this black hole in which I've found myself drowning.

So I'm seeing a therapist and trying to talk (and write) my feelings out.  I seem to be weepy all the time and have an overwhelming feeling that my life has turned upside down.



Anyway, as I've said before, last year was just brutal (for me) and now some new things have happened that has added another layer to my emotional turmoil.  But I'm going to deal with them and where necessary, share my feelings with the people (who have for a lack of a better word and to soften my real feelings) have confused me by their actions.

What I do know is that I don't have the right to insist on others living the way I do....and equally they don't have the right to insist that I change my life for them. I am learning that guilt is something I create.  I have to refer back to an earlier post and a poster I used for a while on my desk top that said
I resolve to remember that I am enough, I do enough, and I'm right where I should be and to listen to my breath when I needed to be reminded of it.enough!I've gotten myself in a quandary full of guilt about taking care of my mother, since the loss of my dad.  It's an ongoing battle in my head and in my heart.  This is a really personal matter, so I won't go into all the details.  What I do know is that I need to share with her my feelings (which may not be easy)....but as part of my healing I need to do that....and I will....one of these days.

The other major thing that is upsetting me to the ends of the earth is all the weight I've gained.  I know my cheering squad keeps telling me that I've had a bad year and I'll get back there....and yes that is true....but in the meantime I am doing what I've told people I myself was trying to inspire....that being.... beating myself up over the weight gain.  I have officially gained back almost all of the weight I had lost when I started getting serious about my health a year and a half ago.....and I have to walk away from this blog right now....because the defeated feelings that are coming over me right now and the tears welling up in my eyes, I can't handle right now....(I'll be back).............

Hi....I'm back....It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the above.....I'm not much less weepy, but a little less.  I've been doing a lot of writing...poems, observations and letters as a type of therapy for what ails me.  And I've had some face to face talks which have in some way helped........but I'm not 100% sure of that.  I am making an earnest effort to get back to fitness classes, doing weight machines at the gym and getting in some extra walks, power and leisurely....just trying to rebuild the motivation and commitment I used to have....trying to remember the good feeling I always go when I exercised.  Trying so desperately to once again bounce out of bed each morning eager to start the day and see which fitness class I was scheduled to go to that day or what part of my body I was going to exercise. Not being there....and finding it such a struggle to get back there is just tearing me up. Could someone just give me  a kick in the butt.....or do the scene from the the movie "Moonstruck" where Cher slaps the guy in the face and screams "SNAP OUT OF IT". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY

Well I'm off to my writing meeting where I'll be reading a few pages from the novel I've been writing for the last 100 years.....writing is my passion....so at least it will be a diversion.  And then this afternoon I have a Boot Camp class.....where I can kick myself in the butt!

Onward and upward......pull, pull, pull me out of this dark dungeon.  I need to see the light of day again and find my smile.

Go ahead write a comment and give me some words of wisdom. PULLLLLEEEEEZZZZE!

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Hugs!  Hope you had a wonderful Easter.