I was not Razmatazed!

  Life is just so full of roller coasters, it would bring you to tears if it wasn't so comical. I'm sure I've bored you all to tears about how tough, challenging and sad 2013 has been for me....and by golly I think it is just going to keep kicking me right to the very last day.

When I was well and in better health/fitness....you could find me in a fitness class, on the walking/running trails, at the gym  or working with my trainer faithfully just about 6 days a week.  That much exercise (which I loved loved loved...and WILL get back to again) does not leave much time for foo foo hair dos....so I opted to stop coloring my hair and I opted to keep it cut fairly short all the time.  It's always pretty much defined me.  When I was in high school and sometime around 2000, I did let my hair grow really long....down to my waist.  But that just wouldn't work for the work outs and sweating I was doing.....So short it was...and thank goodness I have a wonderful man who loves it that way.

But occasionally I get a bug and think I might want to let it grow out some.....and since the Achilles Tendon surgery kept me away from the gym a lot and then this dang breast cancer surgery and treatments.....(OH OK....I know those are really flimsy excuses)....anyway I stopped getting my hair cut and started kind of shaping it myself (yes I do know how to cut hair) and let it grow.....leaning toward the Tessanne Chin look   And my hair was well on it's way to even having the length of becoming a short bob.

Then Thanksgiving came and went and Christmas came and went.....and along with those holidays the cookies, candies, pies, and cakes (not to mention some other even nutritional foods) came and went right into my mouth!     OH YES IT'S TRUE!!!  So I had a long long talk with myself and some added support by my best guy, my spin challenge partner and my newly adopted daughter in Georgia (that's another story)....that it was indeed time to get back to the gym, get back on track with my eating healthy and get back to exercising.   After all radiation treatments are going well and I've clung to the sadness and challenge of this year long enough....IT'S TIME!

So for me that means....get out my motivational T-shirts, look at my motivational  poster and quotes on Pinterest, pull my BOSU ball, my Stability ball, my weights, my bands and my brand new Kettle Bells and Interval Timer that Santa brought me this year for Christmas.....out of the closet and start using them and not just looking at them.  It also means to go back to the hair cut I love so much and that is so easy and conducive to exercise.....that being short....and by short I mean kind of like the pictures  at the beginning of this post......and yes like this  

So yes I agree that is pretty darn short....but I could still pull the sides forward and had a little bit of a bang....so  when I wasn't exercising and sweaty, I could at least try to look a little feminine!

I should have just cut it myself (I can do that)....but instead I decided to try a beauty salon in town that I had never been to.  I researched it online and even read the bios of each stylist...and made an appointment for yesterday.................well  just kick me when I am down!!!!!

After she finished cutting my hair, I only wish I had this much hair   
                               but I don't......what was that beautician thinking and why didn't I say whooooooa that's enough.  I did tell her when she was done that it was way shorter than I wanted it. But once it's laying on the floor what do you do????

But now that I have moaned and groaned, ranted and raved....about how I actually look exactly like I did when my hair was growing out after my first breast cancer when I did have chemo...after all of that...... I got to thinking maybe this is like the giraffe story I read one time......in a book my dear friend Larry gave me when I was going through my first breast cancer....

Bringing a giraffe into the world is a tall order. A baby giraffe falls 10 feet from its mother’s womb and usually lands on its back. Within seconds it rolls over and tucks its legs under its body. From this position it considers the world for the first time and shakes off the last vestiges of the birthing fluid from its eyes and ears. Then the mother giraffe rudely introduces its offspring to the reality of life

 In his book, A View from the Zoo, Gary Richmond describes how a newborn giraffe learns its first lesson. 

The mother giraffe lowers her head long enough to take a quick look. Then she positions herself directly over her calf. She waits for about a minute, and then she does the most unreasonable thing. She swings her long, pendulous leg outward and kicks her baby, so that it is sent sprawling head over heels.When it doesn’t get up, the violent process is repeated over and over again. The struggle to rise is momentous. As the baby calf grows tired, the mother kicks it again to stimulate its efforts. Finally, the calf stands for the first time on its wobbly legs. 

Then the mother giraffe does the most remarkable thing. She kicks it off its feet again. Why? She wants it to remember how it got up. In the wild, baby giraffes must be able to get up as quickly as possible to stay with the herd, where there is safety. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and wild hunting dogs all enjoy young giraffes, and they’d get it too, if the mother didn’t teach her calf to get up quickly and get with it.

The late Irving Stone understood this. He spent a lifetime studying greatness, writing novelized biographies of such men as Michelangelo, Vincent van Gogh, Sigmund Freud, and Charles Darwin.
Stone was once asked if he had found a thread that runs through the lives of all these exceptional people. He said, “I write about people who sometime in their life have a vision or dream of something that should be accomplished and they go to work.

“They are beaten over the head, knocked down, vilified, and for years they get nowhere. But every time they’re knocked down they stand up. You cannot destroy these people. And at the end of their lives they’ve accomplished some modest part of what they set out to do.”  (I found this story rewritten by Craig B. Larson on a website of inspirational stories)....


Now I don't count myself among the Michelangelos  van Goghs and such.....but I do believe that sometimes we have to get knocked down and keep standing up to get the message of remembering how we got up. 

So even though I didn't have to do chemo this time....this hair cut is reminding me how I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps, a week after my husband passed away and face the cancer and get myself through it.  When my hair grew back in 2002, I remember feeling like I was going to make it and I really started thinking positive and moving forward.............now here we are at the end of BAD YEAR 2013....and I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my short short short hair....and knew I was going to make it again.  So time to start thinking positive and moving forward.

See you back in a bit....I'm going to put on the yummy  Slouchy Ski Hat from Mexicali Blues  my step-daughter Melissa sent me, bundle up, grab my iPod and head out for a brisk walk......I'm going to walk right out of 2013 and into brilliantly beautiful bountiful healthy 2014.   Hey why don't you grab a hat and coat, tie up your sneakers and join me.

That Old Black Tragic.....

That old black tragic has me in its spell, that old black tragic that you weave so well.
Those icy fingers up and down my spine
That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.
The same old tingle that I feel inside, and then that elevator starts its ride
And down and down I go, round and round I go, like a leaf that's caught in the tide......

Oh that old black tragic called STRESS!

I was going to write my post describing what happens to me when I get the fatigue from the radiation treatments....so that if someone who is preparing to start radiation won't think she/he is going nuts when this happens....

I can be doing anything, writing a piece of my journal to post, cooking, eating reading and all of a sudden out of the blue...the backs of my eye lids hurt like I am getting the worse sinus headache ever, then I get a headache...then it moves to the back of my head and down my neck...and creeps into my shoulders and then just like someone pulled the plug on me and any energy I had...I just want to collapse or cry....fatigue from radiation...uhhhhh!

Or maybe not!!!!  I went for my treatment this morning and told the girls giving me my treatment about how I had been feeling...and they both said well usually the radiation fatigue doesn't hit you until about the end of the third week.  Hmmmmm!!!   Today was also the day I see the doctor/radiation oncologist.  My doctor was out of town, so I saw a different doctor....very very nice.

So he started asking me how I was doing...and I reiterated the story I had told the technicians....he got this huge smile on his face....and said well it's not the fatigue from radiation, what you described to me is casebook stress anxiety attacks....starts in your eyes, moves to the back of your head and works it's way down all the nerve endings in your neck and into your shoulders (which can be the "keepers of stress"....... "and so Peggy, when this happens what do you do?"  "Well I take 2 Tylenol and a Lorazepam....", I answer hesitantly.  Again he smiles...that's exactly what you should do...and if necessary lay down and relax....He said this is so typical of cancer patients, we think we are "doing fine", but actually we are trying to mentally figure this cancer stuff out, trying to sort through everything that is happening in our bodies...and if it's a recurrence, then the worry/stress is magnified and if it's during the holidays and you are dealing with lots of stuff....family....juggling being at lots of places at once, the hustle and bustle of shopping and fitting everything in then it is magnified 10 times....

The Lorazepam is only .5 mg.....very very low dose.  He said I should take them 3 times a day through the holidays....because I need to get the stress under control before the real radiation fatigue hits me the end of the 3rd week....Yikes! 

I asked if exercise would help.....again he smiles.....BINGO...absolutely....you don't have to go lift weights, but take some long walks, take some fitness classes, ride a bike.....I told him I used to be very active at the gym...usually 5-6 days a week....and lately that isn't happening..........

"And why is that, Peggy?"......I just sat there...so he answered for me...."I know busy with the holidays and just kind of lost motivation".....I looked at him with puppy dog eyes      ,,,,,,,,and said yes

I really do have a lot going on in my life right now....some of it you know about....some of it you don't know about.....but I need to learn to chill out.....I need to get back to the gym.....I need to start walking again....

But right now I need to gear myself up for driving down to spend Christmas with family, driving back to have a treatment and driving back down for another family day............

Why do I hear my trainer, Shepherd Green's voice calling from off in the distance....Peggy.....do you not understand the meaning of 'rest'.....do you not remember the importance of exercise???

That old black tragic has me in a spell....

Boo Hoo....poor pitiful me....Wrong!!!

Dec. 22, 2013

Oh man....so much for not getting tired on the days I don't have radiation....someone got their stories wrong!  Yesterday right after I published my post saying I didn't think I'd get tired....I had a real melt down...of tiredness.....today is somewhat better, but I'm still tired.  So as to the radiation and as to getting fit and staying fit ....the question are:

1.  Do we stop moving because we grow old or do we grow old because we stop moving?

2.  Do we get tired from the radiation....or do we get tired because we stop moving?

3.  Do we gain weight because we eat too much or because we stop moving....or a little bit of both?

To #1 I say we grow old because we stop moving.

To #2 I say we get tired because we stop moving (and perhaps a little because of the side effect of radiation....but mainly because we stop moving).

To#3 I say we gain weight because we eat too much of the wrong things and because we stop moving....


My body is not happy with me right now....not because I have breast cancer, not because I am having radiation....but because I've stopped moving....

Could someone please come over here and kick me in the rear end....and tell me to get back in the fitness game....get back to a life of eating healthy....back into life.....I know I need to take it easy but really people .....cancer and radiation are not valid excuses....I'm sorry....

People like this tell me by their actions that there are really no real excuses...

Onward and Upward...

Dec. 21, 2013

Yesterday afternoon, that dang radiation kicked my rear....right at the dinner table, like an evil wind suddenly blowing from out of nowhere ....seemingly draining all the blood from my veins, all the wind from my sails, all the energy from my body.....just out of the blue and I had to cave in and lay down.

But this morning I am feeling relative good....good is relative :)

We've had a lovely rain here this morning and we so need it.  And come spring the bluebonnets will sing the rain's praises








                                                                                  

Have a wonderful Saturday.....and look out for those crazies....if you go out shopping....after all this is the last weekend before Christmas!







And remembeer

5 down - 15 to go..... pick me up off the floor...

  RADIATION TIREDNESS....They told me this would happen....the feeling of complete exhaustion...and they were not kidding...whew!  The only way I know to describe it is the way you feel when you have a sinus infection and your eyes feel like they are sunk in the back of your head and you have a fever that is sucking all your energy out....but I don't have a sinus infection and I don't have a fever....

It hit me hard yesterday and I can feel it coming on again....like I can barely keep my eyes opened...and I have no wind in my sails......the feeling of tears tugging at the corners of my eyes...a feeling of being overwhelmed.  I ask the young lady who gives me my radiation treatment every morning what there is about the radiation that causes that and  she said because the radiation is killing the cells (Ugh that doesn't sound good)...your body automatically goes into fighting mode and tries to repair those cells and all the energy in your body goes toward that....so you get a headache, your shoulders ache...heck you just ache all over.  But I have the weekend off and she said by Sunday afternoon that feeling will pretty much have passed.....just in time for my Monday treatment.

I asked her yesterday if they got the tumor in the surgery and they got the margins (which were all clean) and the lymph nodes (3) were clean....what is the purpose of the radiation????  She said the only way she knew how to explain it was to say it was like insurance....just in case they missed one tiny miniscule cell that had cancerous properties.

As I said a while back I want to be a person and not a patient....so except for the occasional (and surprisingly so unlike me) afternoon nap....which I did take yesterday and can feel one coming on...I want to try to work around this tiredness...so this morning after I got back from my treatment and a little grocery shopping, I decided to go out and weed the tiny garden section between our garage and the sidewalk along side of the front of our house. I weeded it and put down new black mulch....I felt pooped while I was doing it and I'm pooped now, but I feel like I accomplished something...not only that little bit of gardening, but I didn't give in to the exhaustion.

I think we can't give in...we just can't.

That's where I am on that.....not much interesting...just trying to get through this, get done, start taking whatever med they decide to put me on and get on with my life.

So I decided to add a little something about fitness and how our words and actions can affect children. This morning I was perusing Facebook and a friend of mine posted an article that I found to be very interesting.  For all the writing I do about getting and staying fit and the importance of your health....this article made me think.  Not downplaying the importance of fitness, being healthy, losing weight and exercising, I think as adults we have to be mindful of how our words and actions affect young people around us.....how what we say and what we do can be the foundation blocks for what they grow up believing....

You may disagree with the article, but give it a read and just think about it....in this day and age of air brushing and how young girls think you have to be pencil thin to be beautiful, this article is truly compelling....

https://medium.com/human-parts/bf5111e68cc1

Have a wonderful day, a bright and happy weekend.....and for those of you who celebrate it, there's only 5 more days till Christmas!

I'll leave you with these some thoughts that sparked me today....
 
and this one......to remind myself and to remind those of you who look to me for losing weight, getting fit, being healthy motivation.....(Oh how I have to remind myself of this)

HIP HIP HORRAH! SIS BOOM BAH! YEA! GOD!

  For those of you who have not heard, I went to get my 2nd day of radiation and the Radiation Oncologist said "So I got a copy of the final HER2 test and it came back negative".....me...."No I think it came back equivocal --which is what the regular Oncologist had told me......"Go ahead and do radiation and we'll talk about chemo when that's done".....Radiation Oncologist...."well I think they got a further and 'final' pathology report that says NEGATIVE"...and she showed me the report.  As I was walking back to my car after the radiation treatment, my phone rang and it was the regular Oncologists' office calling to tell me that the final report was back and my HER2 test is NEGATIVE.....NO CHEMO!

So I am just jumping for joy and praising God!  I'll get to keep my hair....and so will John....he'd volunteered to shave his head if I had to do chemo and lost my hair.  I think he breathed a sigh of relief when they said No Chemo :)

So, heavy sigh of relief...I only have to do radiation.  20 sessions....2 down, 18 to go...I should be done around January 15th.  Then I will be put on a medicine similar to Letrozole (which inhibits the production of estrogen in my body).........talk about needed to get back to the gym....this little girl is going to have to do that for sure....because one of the main side effects of that medicine (since no estrogen in your body) is weight gain.  But I'm not going to even think about that....it's a side effect....I can counteract a side effect.....it's called not feeling sorry for myself and defeated, getting up off the couch and getting this body back in shape.....My trainers, Shepherd Green and Belinda Fernades know me well and know that I love love love a challenge....So bring it on.  I've been on the sidelines long enough.....I'm already forming the mental picture.....just like a true athlete ...when I believe it I will see it.....The body achieves what the mind believes!
  Yep seriously that's my goal.....so get thee behind me cancer...I've got a life to get on with...and I've got a lot of work to do.  Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers....keep them coming.
GOD IS GOOD!