I got up this morning determined I was going to write in both of my blogs and I have spent the last
2- 1/2 hours on Pinterest. Really Peggy!!!
For
some reason Pinterest is addictive. When I'm in it, my mind is like a
kid in a gigantic candy store....Fashion, Quotes, Recipes, Hair, Makeup,
Writing thoughts and ideas, Books and the list just goes on and on and
on. You read one thing and want to go to the page of the person who
pinned it and you read something else there and it takes you to another
page and another page and another page.
Geeze think of how much I could get done, if my mind got that excited about cleaning or working out at the gym or writing.
I think I'll work on that thought. How to convert the thrill you get from Pinterest into other avenues of your life!!!!
PINTEREST is evil :)
OK I'm going out to plant flowers now....
Because I've wasted so much time this morning, I'm posting this to my Whimseys-Writings-Thoughts blog too.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Note to self....and Happy Birthday Daddy
June 9, 2014
Wow, can it really already be a month since I last wrote on this blog. Some motivator for fitness I am!
But before we get into this post, I want to say Happy Birthday to my Daddy. Today he would have been 91 years old. I lost him on March 1, 2013 and I still miss him terribly. Yesterday when I was thinking about what today would have been (his birthday), tears welled up in my eyes....but then I made myself think happy thoughts. He's no longer in pain and today I'm guessing for lunch he will be having a huge bowl of gumbo with my maternal grandma, Mama, and some dirty rice and beans made by my aunt Gloria (who both lived in New Orleans before they passed) and for dinner he will be having chicken and dumplings followed by warm banana pudding made by Grandma Violet, his mother (it was what she made when we would visit and it was always the best). And I'm sure my Uncle Emile will go with him to enjoy those meals. Those thoughts made me smile and when I talked to my mom on the phone telling her about them, I could hear a smile in her voice. So Happy Birthday Daddy. Enjoy! I miss you and love you dearly.
Life seems to be getting better. My steps are baby steps, but I feel like I'm making some progress. I'm getting to the gym more often and I'm not having to take as many anti-anxiety pills. I think the exercise is a big factor, but the other thing that has helped me tremendously is forgiveness. When someone hurts you by their decisions, actions or nature, you can let it hurt you, you can let it eat you up inside, you can let it bring you emotionally to a stand still. Or you can sit yourself down (or with a therapist) and you can have a heart to heart talk with yourself....and if that someone is important in your life, you can forgive them for whatever they've done to hurt you. You don't even have to say it to their face. You just have to forgive them in your heart and mind. Oh what a weight that takes off your shoulders and your heart. How freeing that is to allow you to move on. If you hold that hurt in your heart and let it eat at you, then it's just like holding a grudge or hanging on to guilt.....you let them win. Especially if it's something you can not change. Life's too short and family is too precious. You can't imagine the change it has made in how I feel and in how much I cry (or don't cry) now. Now when I cry, it's usually from the dang side effects of the Aromasin (post-cancer medicine) I'm taking. It's nasty stuff with lots of icky side affects.
As I'm writing this I got to thinking I could apply this thought to exercise and losing weight. Sometimes you just have to forgive yourself (maybe lots of times). We're all human and sometimes we fall off the wagon (at least I do....and sometimes "a lot"). Lately (with my emotions being open and raw and exposed), I tend to beat myself up, if the scale doesn't budge or goes the wrong way, if I sleep in and miss my early morning spin class. Well I had one of those selfies (no not the picture of myself taken with my cell phone), but one of those (slap in the face....get over it) talks to myself. I've learned to forgive myself and move on. OK so I slept through the early morning spin/cycle class....then get out the schedule and see if there is one later in the day or a couple of other fitness classes that can give you some meaningful cardio exercise....or go to the gym and get on the treadmill for an hour. Don't spend the day, making excuses for the excuse you made. It's not the end of the world....it's just not. It took a long time to put this weight on and to get out of shape and feel unfit. But if you keep after it, if you keep trying....keep going to fitness classes and the gym...and eat healthy.....it may take a while, but you will get there.
It's how I've had to look at the "me" I am right now. A lot of things happened to get me to this point....a lot of unhappy things. But I've decided not to continue to dwell on them and talk about them....that just keeps the unhappiness alive. You know me and Pinterest.....well sure enough I found some quotes that I love....
Actually when I think about it, life if pretty darn good right now. You know the saying (or maybe you don't)...."All you need is all you have". I have everything I need and then some. I have a beautiful home, great neighbors, a man that loves me dearly and not only tells me, but shows me how much every day, I have my health (with a few caveats), I have food on my table and I am making the time to exercise and write. So really what do I have to complain about.
I can't close this post without mentioning Amy Purdy http://www.amypurdy.com/
She is the young woman who danced with Derek Hough on this past season of Dancing With The Stars. She is a double amputee having had both legs removed below the knee. But she has not let that stop her. She is a world class snowboarder who competed in Sochi, Russia and she came in second in Dancing With The Stars. This young woman is phenomenal and every time I watched her dance, I always said..."And Peggy, what did you say your excuse was?"
We can do this people. We can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps (no matter how frazzled and worn they are) and we can get fit and healthy and we can be fit and healthy when we're 99.
Here's another prime example....http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/06/02/318238155/91-year-old-woman-breaks-marathon-record
Onward and upward! Have a beautiful healthy and happy day!
Wow, can it really already be a month since I last wrote on this blog. Some motivator for fitness I am!
But before we get into this post, I want to say Happy Birthday to my Daddy. Today he would have been 91 years old. I lost him on March 1, 2013 and I still miss him terribly. Yesterday when I was thinking about what today would have been (his birthday), tears welled up in my eyes....but then I made myself think happy thoughts. He's no longer in pain and today I'm guessing for lunch he will be having a huge bowl of gumbo with my maternal grandma, Mama, and some dirty rice and beans made by my aunt Gloria (who both lived in New Orleans before they passed) and for dinner he will be having chicken and dumplings followed by warm banana pudding made by Grandma Violet, his mother (it was what she made when we would visit and it was always the best). And I'm sure my Uncle Emile will go with him to enjoy those meals. Those thoughts made me smile and when I talked to my mom on the phone telling her about them, I could hear a smile in her voice. So Happy Birthday Daddy. Enjoy! I miss you and love you dearly.
Life seems to be getting better. My steps are baby steps, but I feel like I'm making some progress. I'm getting to the gym more often and I'm not having to take as many anti-anxiety pills. I think the exercise is a big factor, but the other thing that has helped me tremendously is forgiveness. When someone hurts you by their decisions, actions or nature, you can let it hurt you, you can let it eat you up inside, you can let it bring you emotionally to a stand still. Or you can sit yourself down (or with a therapist) and you can have a heart to heart talk with yourself....and if that someone is important in your life, you can forgive them for whatever they've done to hurt you. You don't even have to say it to their face. You just have to forgive them in your heart and mind. Oh what a weight that takes off your shoulders and your heart. How freeing that is to allow you to move on. If you hold that hurt in your heart and let it eat at you, then it's just like holding a grudge or hanging on to guilt.....you let them win. Especially if it's something you can not change. Life's too short and family is too precious. You can't imagine the change it has made in how I feel and in how much I cry (or don't cry) now. Now when I cry, it's usually from the dang side effects of the Aromasin (post-cancer medicine) I'm taking. It's nasty stuff with lots of icky side affects.
As I'm writing this I got to thinking I could apply this thought to exercise and losing weight. Sometimes you just have to forgive yourself (maybe lots of times). We're all human and sometimes we fall off the wagon (at least I do....and sometimes "a lot"). Lately (with my emotions being open and raw and exposed), I tend to beat myself up, if the scale doesn't budge or goes the wrong way, if I sleep in and miss my early morning spin class. Well I had one of those selfies (no not the picture of myself taken with my cell phone), but one of those (slap in the face....get over it) talks to myself. I've learned to forgive myself and move on. OK so I slept through the early morning spin/cycle class....then get out the schedule and see if there is one later in the day or a couple of other fitness classes that can give you some meaningful cardio exercise....or go to the gym and get on the treadmill for an hour. Don't spend the day, making excuses for the excuse you made. It's not the end of the world....it's just not. It took a long time to put this weight on and to get out of shape and feel unfit. But if you keep after it, if you keep trying....keep going to fitness classes and the gym...and eat healthy.....it may take a while, but you will get there.
It's how I've had to look at the "me" I am right now. A lot of things happened to get me to this point....a lot of unhappy things. But I've decided not to continue to dwell on them and talk about them....that just keeps the unhappiness alive. You know me and Pinterest.....well sure enough I found some quotes that I love....
Actually when I think about it, life if pretty darn good right now. You know the saying (or maybe you don't)...."All you need is all you have". I have everything I need and then some. I have a beautiful home, great neighbors, a man that loves me dearly and not only tells me, but shows me how much every day, I have my health (with a few caveats), I have food on my table and I am making the time to exercise and write. So really what do I have to complain about.
I can't close this post without mentioning Amy Purdy http://www.amypurdy.com/
She is the young woman who danced with Derek Hough on this past season of Dancing With The Stars. She is a double amputee having had both legs removed below the knee. But she has not let that stop her. She is a world class snowboarder who competed in Sochi, Russia and she came in second in Dancing With The Stars. This young woman is phenomenal and every time I watched her dance, I always said..."And Peggy, what did you say your excuse was?"
We can do this people. We can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps (no matter how frazzled and worn they are) and we can get fit and healthy and we can be fit and healthy when we're 99.
Here's another prime example....http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/06/02/318238155/91-year-old-woman-breaks-marathon-record
Onward and upward! Have a beautiful healthy and happy day!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
It's a Pinterest inspiring morning.
May 4, 2014
This morning I woke up with a queasy stomach. That seems to happen a lot lately (no for heaven's sake...I'm not pregnant!!!) ....queasy stomach, weepy eyes, heavy sighs. I want to wake up feeling alive, healthy, happy, motivated....I want to find the old me. The one who lived to exercise, the one who ate healthy, the one who smiled all the time and motivated people.....the one whose daddy still lived 2 hours away....the one who could say confidently....yes I had cancer, but that was 12 years ago.
Part of that person I can't get back....so now I want to accept the decisions people have made for what they are and move on. I want to believe my daddy is in a better place and not hurting anymore. I want to except the fact that yes I did get cancer again....but I'm still here and that no one can promise me I won't get it again....but I can't worry about that. I want to be healthy again...healthy and fit and happy....and I want to stop all this continuous crying.....I guess I never realized my heart and feelings were so fragile. Although haven't I been told all my life that I was "thin skinned", that "I take things too seriously", that I am "too soft-hearted for my own good".
So sometimes early in the morning I get up and turn my computer on and key in the word "Pinterest" and all these wonderful motivational, inspiring, "knowing", "understanding" posters come up....that bring me comfort.....knowing that somewhere out there someone feels like I do, or has felt like I do and is trying to help me get through this....this...this...whatever this is.
This morning I found these:
then I found this one....and it made me smile....because believe you me...
if this were true....I'd be Twiggy or Kate Moss!
I went to see my oncologist the other day....to tell her how I had been feeling and to see if perhaps
the aromatase inhibitor they have me on to inhibit the production of estrogen in my body needs to be changed. I knew full well when I started taking them they were going to mess with my hormones....so that in itself if enough to deal with....then along with all the other things going on in my life, it's got me in a real tizzy. One thing she did tell me was something I didn't realize might well me part of my unhappiness right now....part of my feeling lost and confused....and sad......she said it is not uncommon 'at all' for people who have had cancer twice to be scared....even when they've made it through the treatment......to feel like every ache and pain and low feeling might mean that they have cancer somewhere else in their body.....and sometimes when you're in the middle of having those feelings (even if they are buried and you don't realize you are feeling them) and there are lots of other things you are dealing with..... you kind of get to the end of your rope. Your body can take just so much stress....so much grief....and you literally come to ...as they saying goes...."your wits end". I guess I hadn't thought of it that way....but when she said it, I actually felt better....like I wasn't going nuts....Then she suggested I talk to someone professional who might help me get on a more even keel for a while until I can once again see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are lots of people that have been quoted as saying "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"....but I'm also remembering that "When you reach the end of your rope, you will find the hem of His garment".
I had a rather embarrassing episode of uncontrollable tears in the doctor's office when I found out I could not see that "professional" until July.....and then this morning....lovely Pinterest showed me this:
So I'm working on me and I'm going to try to write more often. It helps to get my feelings down on paper or screen....it helps me let them go....
So instead of waking up with a queasy stomach, weepy eyes, heavy sighs, I need to do what Pinterest reminds me to do .....and really....what in my heart I know I need to do.....
 | ||||||||||||
And I need to remember what 8 year old Hannah Cheatam says:
Because after all.....yes my dad is gone and yes I miss him madley....and yes I've had cancer again and yes decisions have been made in my family that I don't understand (well I guess I understand) but that I've allowed to hurt me and yes I've regained a lot of the weight I'd lost and yes I am having to force myself to go to the gym each day and to eat healthy (when comfort food and sugar keep trying to tell me they are my friends....which they are not!) and yes yes yes....I do feel like I'm finding it harder to be strong and happy.....
What I have to remind myself is I'm the girl who loves a self challenge...I'm the girl who knows how to be strong and persevere....I'm still grieving, I'm still scared, I'm still sad, I'm still worn out from the past year and a half.....but as the wonderful saying goes....TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE....SO..........
A last thought..........some of you who have been following this blog might recall a while back that I mentioned a lady I met at the Radiation Treatment place....Sue.............yesterday I went to have a pedicure and when I got there they told me they had given me the wrong time and could I come back 45 minutes later.......no problem... it would give me a chance to scoot over to the grocery store and get my shopping done that I had planned on doing after the pedicure. I had not seen or heard from Sue since the middle of January. To my great pleasure I was pushing my cart and looked up and there she was smiling at me. (I'm a believer in God's timing and being at certain places at certain times) Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I believe that pedicure time got changed for a reason.....because if I had gone after my pedicure I never would have seen her. She looked happy and healthy and full of life (remember she'd had to do Chemo and Radiation). Seeing her made my day. Seeing her renewed my spirit....because I guess whomever said it was right about the 3 true words of life....IT GOES ON.....
And it's way too short to hold on to the past and worry about the future....today is the only day we are promised and actually this hour is the only hour we are promised.....I need to start making the best of this limited time we all have (and I have)
As many of you know I love to write....I've been writing a novel for ages and just never seem to get back to it....but Pinterest did not let me down this morning.....in all my gloom and doom and "poor pitiful me" I found this and it made me laugh and smile.....and by golly I think it is MY SIGN!
I'll get through this (maybe with the help of professionals)...maybe on my own...maybe by running into a "new friend"....maybe by forgiving and letting things go...so I can move on and maybe as Hannah says....I'll paint myself a new color
.....and take a different view at things...Have a great day.....
Monday, April 21, 2014
Don't pay the randsom....
Hey there.....so I guess maybe you all thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth....and sometimes it feels like that. And sometimes I wish the world would stop so I could step off for a while.
I've kind of gotten myself into a mental pickle of sadness, guilt, resentment, and very mixed emotions about things that I never thought would bother me.
Suffice it to say I am not my old cheerful, motivated, committed bubbly self and I decided it was time for me to try to work at climbing out of this black hole in which I've found myself drowning.
So I'm seeing a therapist and trying to talk (and write) my feelings out. I seem to be weepy all the time and have an overwhelming feeling that my life has turned upside down.
Anyway, as I've said before, last year was just brutal (for me) and now some new things have happened that has added another layer to my emotional turmoil. But I'm going to deal with them and where necessary, share my feelings with the people (who have for a lack of a better word and to soften my real feelings) have confused me by their actions.
What I do know is that I don't have the right to insist on others living the way I do....and equally they don't have the right to insist that I change my life for them. I am learning that guilt is something I create. I have to refer back to an earlier post and a poster I used for a while on my desk top that said
I've gotten myself in a quandary full of guilt about taking care of my mother, since the loss of my dad. It's an ongoing battle in my head and in my heart. This is a really personal matter, so I won't go into all the details. What I do know is that I need to share with her my feelings (which may not be easy)....but as part of my healing I need to do that....and I will....one of these days.
The other major thing that is upsetting me to the ends of the earth is all the weight I've gained. I know my cheering squad keeps telling me that I've had a bad year and I'll get back there....and yes that is true....but in the meantime I am doing what I've told people I myself was trying to inspire....that being.... beating myself up over the weight gain. I have officially gained back almost all of the weight I had lost when I started getting serious about my health a year and a half ago.....and I have to walk away from this blog right now....because the defeated feelings that are coming over me right now and the tears welling up in my eyes, I can't handle right now....(I'll be back).............
Hi....I'm back....It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the above.....I'm not much less weepy, but a little less. I've been doing a lot of writing...poems, observations and letters as a type of therapy for what ails me. And I've had some face to face talks which have in some way helped........but I'm not 100% sure of that. I am making an earnest effort to get back to fitness classes, doing weight machines at the gym and getting in some extra walks, power and leisurely....just trying to rebuild the motivation and commitment I used to have....trying to remember the good feeling I always go when I exercised. Trying so desperately to once again bounce out of bed each morning eager to start the day and see which fitness class I was scheduled to go to that day or what part of my body I was going to exercise. Not being there....and finding it such a struggle to get back there is just tearing me up. Could someone just give me a kick in the butt.....or do the scene from the the movie "Moonstruck" where Cher slaps the guy in the face and screams "SNAP OUT OF IT". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY
Well I'm off to my writing meeting where I'll be reading a few pages from the novel I've been writing for the last 100 years.....writing is my passion....so at least it will be a diversion. And then this afternoon I have a Boot Camp class.....where I can kick myself in the butt!
Onward and upward......pull, pull, pull me out of this dark dungeon. I need to see the light of day again and find my smile.
Go ahead write a comment and give me some words of wisdom. PULLLLLEEEEEZZZZE!
Hugs! Hope you had a wonderful Easter.
I've kind of gotten myself into a mental pickle of sadness, guilt, resentment, and very mixed emotions about things that I never thought would bother me.
Suffice it to say I am not my old cheerful, motivated, committed bubbly self and I decided it was time for me to try to work at climbing out of this black hole in which I've found myself drowning.
So I'm seeing a therapist and trying to talk (and write) my feelings out. I seem to be weepy all the time and have an overwhelming feeling that my life has turned upside down.
Anyway, as I've said before, last year was just brutal (for me) and now some new things have happened that has added another layer to my emotional turmoil. But I'm going to deal with them and where necessary, share my feelings with the people (who have for a lack of a better word and to soften my real feelings) have confused me by their actions.
What I do know is that I don't have the right to insist on others living the way I do....and equally they don't have the right to insist that I change my life for them. I am learning that guilt is something I create. I have to refer back to an earlier post and a poster I used for a while on my desk top that said
I've gotten myself in a quandary full of guilt about taking care of my mother, since the loss of my dad. It's an ongoing battle in my head and in my heart. This is a really personal matter, so I won't go into all the details. What I do know is that I need to share with her my feelings (which may not be easy)....but as part of my healing I need to do that....and I will....one of these days.The other major thing that is upsetting me to the ends of the earth is all the weight I've gained. I know my cheering squad keeps telling me that I've had a bad year and I'll get back there....and yes that is true....but in the meantime I am doing what I've told people I myself was trying to inspire....that being.... beating myself up over the weight gain. I have officially gained back almost all of the weight I had lost when I started getting serious about my health a year and a half ago.....and I have to walk away from this blog right now....because the defeated feelings that are coming over me right now and the tears welling up in my eyes, I can't handle right now....(I'll be back).............
Hi....I'm back....It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the above.....I'm not much less weepy, but a little less. I've been doing a lot of writing...poems, observations and letters as a type of therapy for what ails me. And I've had some face to face talks which have in some way helped........but I'm not 100% sure of that. I am making an earnest effort to get back to fitness classes, doing weight machines at the gym and getting in some extra walks, power and leisurely....just trying to rebuild the motivation and commitment I used to have....trying to remember the good feeling I always go when I exercised. Trying so desperately to once again bounce out of bed each morning eager to start the day and see which fitness class I was scheduled to go to that day or what part of my body I was going to exercise. Not being there....and finding it such a struggle to get back there is just tearing me up. Could someone just give me a kick in the butt.....or do the scene from the the movie "Moonstruck" where Cher slaps the guy in the face and screams "SNAP OUT OF IT". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY
Well I'm off to my writing meeting where I'll be reading a few pages from the novel I've been writing for the last 100 years.....writing is my passion....so at least it will be a diversion. And then this afternoon I have a Boot Camp class.....where I can kick myself in the butt!
Onward and upward......pull, pull, pull me out of this dark dungeon. I need to see the light of day again and find my smile.
Go ahead write a comment and give me some words of wisdom. PULLLLLEEEEEZZZZE!
Hugs! Hope you had a wonderful Easter.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
As soon as Christmas is over....the next thing you know it's March!
I have said the words in my title for years and years and years. Because each year that is exactly how it feels to me....the big hullabaloo of the "commercialized" side of Christmas and the holidays....the excitement, the laughter, joy and expectation.....or the sadness when it's the first Christmas without a loved one...it starts back at Halloween...then Thanksgiving....the the rushful glitter and glow of Christmas or holiday lights and sparkles, gifts.........and then it's over......kerplunk.....until a week later and then it often feels like a renewal (not the kind of renewal you feel at springtime), but a renewal -- a "start-over" if you will.
You make resolutions, even make plans to keep those resolutions, look toward the future, make travel plans, make wedding plans, there are 365 fresh days to work with. The world is there for your taking with all it's excitement and color--offering itself up to you. So it's natural to want to take it by the horns and decide with happy abandon and commitment to make changes, take on new responsibilities, try new things.
Once you've got your list made and some of your plans worked out....well there goes January....and then because the stores put out Valentine's candy, flowers, hearts etc. as soon as the Christmas decorations come down, you know February must be right around the corner and because it's the shortest month....it seems to swoosh by. I mean here we are the 25th......what happened to the beginning and middle of the month..........and so as I say "As soon as Christmas is over, the next thing you know....it's March".
And I am realizing that I have not posted since the end of January. And so much has happened. I finished my radiation treatments (but you knew that) (see my post "Wednesday - January 15th......Doing the Happy Dance!!!!") Since then I've started my new medicine Aromasin that I will probably be taking for 5 years, I've been to New Orleans and Mississippi and now find myself struggling with panic attacks............Oh yes the fun just never ends. But I refuse to let them get the best of me. I have some theories of what is causing them -- of what has caused them in the past-- and that perhaps (and this has been acknowledge by a doctor) that perhaps the new medication is heightening them........after all when you start messing with a woman's hormones, you're bound to have a little bit of the "crazies" dancing around....my concern is that it has become an almost daily event and I am having to take a prescribed anxiety medication on a daily basis where before I took it maybe once every 2-3 months.....so something is going on....and I want to get it checked out before it becomes debilitating.
I am faced with some new challenges in my family dynamics since my dad passed away (not so unlike what many go through when their role in the family changes). I'm on a new med that inhibits the production of estrogen and progesterone in my body.....and to my great dismay and related to this blog....I've gained a ton of weight over the last year...(OK well maybe not a ton), but enough to be noticeable and enough so that I have a closet full full full of clothes that I can no longer get into.....and enough so that I don't feel fit and healthy. So I must put my big girl panties on (no pun intended) and face all three of these situations....and if necessary take whatever cognitive exercises or medication the experts might suggest I try. And I've made up my mind and ask for a consultation with an expert to discuss just that.
On my own, I have made myself, even though I don't always feel like it....get myself outside to walk a brisk and calorie burning walk....get myself to the gym to cycle for an hour.....or treadmill for an hour....or do some machines and weights. I know that works for me and there is no physical reason why I can't and should not get back to that routine. I'm trying not to concentrate on the numbers on the scale.....they make me sad....but right now my goal is to get myself feeling, looking and being healthy again...........and to get myself into a happy state of mind (regardless of what life is throwing at me or whatever negativity I encounter).
It may sound selfish, but this second cancer has made me realize (and I am trying desperately to accept) that I can only do the best I can do and offer the time I can spare to help others, but I have to learn to take care of myself........or I will be of no help to anyone else. My new mantra and the new screen saver on my computer is this:
You make resolutions, even make plans to keep those resolutions, look toward the future, make travel plans, make wedding plans, there are 365 fresh days to work with. The world is there for your taking with all it's excitement and color--offering itself up to you. So it's natural to want to take it by the horns and decide with happy abandon and commitment to make changes, take on new responsibilities, try new things.
Once you've got your list made and some of your plans worked out....well there goes January....and then because the stores put out Valentine's candy, flowers, hearts etc. as soon as the Christmas decorations come down, you know February must be right around the corner and because it's the shortest month....it seems to swoosh by. I mean here we are the 25th......what happened to the beginning and middle of the month..........and so as I say "As soon as Christmas is over, the next thing you know....it's March".
And I am realizing that I have not posted since the end of January. And so much has happened. I finished my radiation treatments (but you knew that) (see my post "Wednesday - January 15th......Doing the Happy Dance!!!!") Since then I've started my new medicine Aromasin that I will probably be taking for 5 years, I've been to New Orleans and Mississippi and now find myself struggling with panic attacks............Oh yes the fun just never ends. But I refuse to let them get the best of me. I have some theories of what is causing them -- of what has caused them in the past-- and that perhaps (and this has been acknowledge by a doctor) that perhaps the new medication is heightening them........after all when you start messing with a woman's hormones, you're bound to have a little bit of the "crazies" dancing around....my concern is that it has become an almost daily event and I am having to take a prescribed anxiety medication on a daily basis where before I took it maybe once every 2-3 months.....so something is going on....and I want to get it checked out before it becomes debilitating.
I am faced with some new challenges in my family dynamics since my dad passed away (not so unlike what many go through when their role in the family changes). I'm on a new med that inhibits the production of estrogen and progesterone in my body.....and to my great dismay and related to this blog....I've gained a ton of weight over the last year...(OK well maybe not a ton), but enough to be noticeable and enough so that I have a closet full full full of clothes that I can no longer get into.....and enough so that I don't feel fit and healthy. So I must put my big girl panties on (no pun intended) and face all three of these situations....and if necessary take whatever cognitive exercises or medication the experts might suggest I try. And I've made up my mind and ask for a consultation with an expert to discuss just that.
On my own, I have made myself, even though I don't always feel like it....get myself outside to walk a brisk and calorie burning walk....get myself to the gym to cycle for an hour.....or treadmill for an hour....or do some machines and weights. I know that works for me and there is no physical reason why I can't and should not get back to that routine. I'm trying not to concentrate on the numbers on the scale.....they make me sad....but right now my goal is to get myself feeling, looking and being healthy again...........and to get myself into a happy state of mind (regardless of what life is throwing at me or whatever negativity I encounter).
It may sound selfish, but this second cancer has made me realize (and I am trying desperately to accept) that I can only do the best I can do and offer the time I can spare to help others, but I have to learn to take care of myself........or I will be of no help to anyone else. My new mantra and the new screen saver on my computer is this:
And today I find comfort in these posters:
So if today you are feeling lost, confused, sad, angry, anxious, depressed.....then here, take my hand....lets compare notes and maybe together we can find a way back to the Happiness Highway..........after all we kicked Cancer in the rear, and we are strong and on the road back to being healthy...
I'll try to write more this week..... at the end of next week and for about a week...I'll be traveling to a place where I can (hopefully) truly relax....going to spend time with some angels in my life in a warm and sunny place. If I have internet...I'll write....if I don't...I'll write on paper and transfer it to here when I get back.....
Shout out to my dear friend Barb...who is off relaxing in the Caribbean....Enjoy!
If you're trying to fight the demons and get back on track....honk if you pass...I'll be waving!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
A scar means I survived....
Wednesday, January 29, 2013
This morning I am working on a new personal project ....that being trying to get all the small scraps of paper with notes that I've jotted down from time to time....of books I think I want to read, quotes, ideas for books I might want to write, directions to somewhere, people's birthdays, addresses etc. etc. onto something more permanent like into files on my computer. I actually hate doing this, because I like the feel and look of those little pieces of paper. I've held on to them for so long...I can scramble around on my desk and know where they are, but I'm trying to get more organized so that I will not feel guilty about writing or reading for several hours a day (more on that subject can be found on my latest post on my other blog www.whimseys-writings-thoughts.blogspot.com ).
Anyway, this morning in going through one of my little marbled journal books...I came across a quote out of a book I read several years ago, called Little Bee by Chris Cleave.
When I read what I had written down....I was amazed at how (although it was not written in the book as this context), it was so relevant for those of us who have had breast cancer....
The passage is:
This morning I am working on a new personal project ....that being trying to get all the small scraps of paper with notes that I've jotted down from time to time....of books I think I want to read, quotes, ideas for books I might want to write, directions to somewhere, people's birthdays, addresses etc. etc. onto something more permanent like into files on my computer. I actually hate doing this, because I like the feel and look of those little pieces of paper. I've held on to them for so long...I can scramble around on my desk and know where they are, but I'm trying to get more organized so that I will not feel guilty about writing or reading for several hours a day (more on that subject can be found on my latest post on my other blog www.whimseys-writings-thoughts.blogspot.com ).
Anyway, this morning in going through one of my little marbled journal books...I came across a quote out of a book I read several years ago, called Little Bee by Chris Cleave.
When I read what I had written down....I was amazed at how (although it was not written in the book as this context), it was so relevant for those of us who have had breast cancer....
The passage is:
“I ask you
right here to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what scar makers
want you to think. But you and I, we
must agree to defy them. We must see the
scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our
secret. Because take it from me, a scar
does not form on the dying. A scar
means ‘I survived’".
That is so important for us to remember. After my husband passed away and I had recovered from my first breast cancer in 2002, I remember thinking (or wondering) who will ever love me again with this horrible divot in my breast and the scar from the port and the long scar from where they took 21 lymph nodes....who would want to look at me and be able to see any beauty there....
But somehow by the grace of God, I did eventually find someone who loves me just for who I am and not for what I look like.
This time the scars are not as bad. The surgeon I had this time, Dr. Watson at Scott and White, was amazing and I am sure that as time passes, I will barely have any noticeable scars on my right side....and what matters most is that I have learned to love the scars on the left side.......because they do mean that 'I survived'....and that is beautiful.
This time the scars are not as bad. The surgeon I had this time, Dr. Watson at Scott and White, was amazing and I am sure that as time passes, I will barely have any noticeable scars on my right side....and what matters most is that I have learned to love the scars on the left side.......because they do mean that 'I survived'....and that is beautiful.
I think about the men and women who come back from war with limbs missing....yes it is tragic, yes their lives have changed forever, yes they will have to learn how to get around a new way, yes it will be a challenge.....but they are survivors....and their scars are beautiful because they gave of themselves for our freedom.
Never pass up a chance to tell someone serving in the military how proud you are of them and thank then for their service...........and never forget to tell someone who has survived cancer or who is still battling cancer to never stop fighting....that they are beautiful...scars and all.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Hip Hip Hooray.....It's Sue's Day !!!
Monday January 27, 2014 
To some of you this may be just another Monday........just another start of another week......the near end of another month. But if I remember correctly from a brief conversation I had with her, today for my fellow breast cancer friend Sue, this is Hip Hip Hooray Day. The day of her last radiation treatment. Big huge warm hug Sue and enormous congratulation.
For those of you who've not been through the trials and tribulations of fighting breast cancer this is a big day. If you had to go through chemo, which Sue did, they (the oncologists) usually have you do chemo first and then you start your radiation.
Chemo is brutal and when you finish it.......that day too is defining--very defining. When the chemo starts fading--and there are days when you think it won't--there are days when your white blood count goes scary low--there are days when you just want to give up. But if you are lucky enough like I was in my first battle and like Sue was in this battle to have someone who encourages you to not give up--to fight the fight---that never stops making you believe you can win this battle then you are so blessed and you get through the nasty nasty days of chemo.
And then the radiation starts and although it doesn't knock you to the ground like chemo....it's tiring to travel every single weekday to get the treatment. Not to mention that the process of radiating your body is traumatic and the fatigue can be so (for lack of a better word)....almost debilitating. When the last day of radiation comes, it's like a finale. It's the end of a long long grueling battle and it can be emotional (as I said on my post of my last day) because you've done it.......
You've done it Sue. You may not feel like it just yet, but you are a survivor! You can proudly say .......
Years from now you will look back on this time and not remember all of the bad days--the days you wanted to give up---the days you thought you might not make it--you'll look back and think......I made it through that dark time in my life! I didn't give up! As they say in the breast cancer world, I put the gloves on and "I fought like a girl" !!!!
I'm proud of you Sue. I'm happy for you....so happy for you! This morning as I start my almost second week without radiation and I see the signs that my skin won't forever look like elephant hide and won't forever be beet red, I feel the feeling and 'almost excitement' you are feeling this morning. In just a matter of hours you will be done. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and I want to tell you, it's OK to be emotional...it's OK..this is a big deal...huge....it's been a long time coming and tomorrow (no 5 minutes after your last treatment) is the first day of the rest of your beautiful life. Live it to the fullest. Never take a day or a moment for granted.
Let the memory of this unpleasant fight fade....but keep just a tiny seed of hope in your mind always. I pray with all my heart that you never have to go through this again. But if you do (if God forbid you do) draw from that tiny seed of hope and always remember you fought your way through this with proud dignity. An ugly monster attacked you and you won....YOU WON!
I wish I was there this morning to give you a huge warm hug....Rhonda and Sara will give you one.....because they too know how important this day is...
It is your day sweet friend.....HIP HIP HOORAY!
If I knew where to buy this pin, I'd bring you one to proudly wear....
Much love....Have a beautiful day!
To some of you this may be just another Monday........just another start of another week......the near end of another month. But if I remember correctly from a brief conversation I had with her, today for my fellow breast cancer friend Sue, this is Hip Hip Hooray Day. The day of her last radiation treatment. Big huge warm hug Sue and enormous congratulation.
For those of you who've not been through the trials and tribulations of fighting breast cancer this is a big day. If you had to go through chemo, which Sue did, they (the oncologists) usually have you do chemo first and then you start your radiation.
Chemo is brutal and when you finish it.......that day too is defining--very defining. When the chemo starts fading--and there are days when you think it won't--there are days when your white blood count goes scary low--there are days when you just want to give up. But if you are lucky enough like I was in my first battle and like Sue was in this battle to have someone who encourages you to not give up--to fight the fight---that never stops making you believe you can win this battle then you are so blessed and you get through the nasty nasty days of chemo.
And then the radiation starts and although it doesn't knock you to the ground like chemo....it's tiring to travel every single weekday to get the treatment. Not to mention that the process of radiating your body is traumatic and the fatigue can be so (for lack of a better word)....almost debilitating. When the last day of radiation comes, it's like a finale. It's the end of a long long grueling battle and it can be emotional (as I said on my post of my last day) because you've done it.......
You've done it Sue. You may not feel like it just yet, but you are a survivor! You can proudly say .......
Years from now you will look back on this time and not remember all of the bad days--the days you wanted to give up---the days you thought you might not make it--you'll look back and think......I made it through that dark time in my life! I didn't give up! As they say in the breast cancer world, I put the gloves on and "I fought like a girl" !!!!
I'm proud of you Sue. I'm happy for you....so happy for you! This morning as I start my almost second week without radiation and I see the signs that my skin won't forever look like elephant hide and won't forever be beet red, I feel the feeling and 'almost excitement' you are feeling this morning. In just a matter of hours you will be done. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and I want to tell you, it's OK to be emotional...it's OK..this is a big deal...huge....it's been a long time coming and tomorrow (no 5 minutes after your last treatment) is the first day of the rest of your beautiful life. Live it to the fullest. Never take a day or a moment for granted.
Let the memory of this unpleasant fight fade....but keep just a tiny seed of hope in your mind always. I pray with all my heart that you never have to go through this again. But if you do (if God forbid you do) draw from that tiny seed of hope and always remember you fought your way through this with proud dignity. An ugly monster attacked you and you won....YOU WON!
I wish I was there this morning to give you a huge warm hug....Rhonda and Sara will give you one.....because they too know how important this day is...
It is your day sweet friend.....HIP HIP HOORAY!
If I knew where to buy this pin, I'd bring you one to proudly wear....
Much love....Have a beautiful day!
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