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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

As soon as Christmas is over....the next thing you know it's March!

 I have said the words in my title for years and years and years.  Because each year that is exactly how it feels to me....the big hullabaloo of the "commercialized" side of Christmas and the holidays....the excitement, the laughter, joy and expectation.....or the sadness when it's the first Christmas without a loved one...it starts back at Halloween...then Thanksgiving....the the rushful glitter and glow of Christmas or holiday lights and sparkles, gifts.........and then it's over......kerplunk.....until a week later and then it often feels like a renewal (not the kind of renewal you feel at springtime), but a renewal -- a "start-over" if you will.

You make resolutions, even make plans to keep those resolutions, look toward the future, make travel plans, make wedding plans, there are 365 fresh days to work with.  The world is there for your taking with all it's excitement and color--offering itself up to you.  So it's natural to want to take it by the horns and decide with happy abandon and commitment to make changes, take on new responsibilities, try new things.

Once you've got your list made and some of your plans worked out....well there goes January....and then because the stores put out Valentine's candy, flowers, hearts etc. as soon as the Christmas decorations come down, you know February must be right around the corner and because it's the shortest month....it seems to swoosh by.  I mean here we are the 25th......what happened to the beginning and middle of the month..........and so as I say "As soon as Christmas is over, the next thing you know....it's March".

And I am realizing that I have not posted since the end of January. And so much has happened.  I finished my radiation treatments (but you knew that) (see my post "Wednesday - January 15th......Doing the Happy Dance!!!!")  Since then I've started my new medicine Aromasin that I will probably be taking for 5 years, I've been to New Orleans and Mississippi and now find myself struggling with panic attacks............Oh yes the fun just never ends. But I refuse to let them get the best of me.  I have some theories of what is causing them -- of what has caused them in the past-- and that perhaps (and this has been acknowledge by a doctor) that perhaps the new medication is heightening them........after all when you start messing with a woman's hormones, you're bound to have a little bit of the "crazies" dancing around....my concern is that it has become an almost daily event and I am having to take a prescribed anxiety medication on a daily basis where before I took it maybe once every 2-3 months.....so something is going on....and I want to get it checked out before it becomes debilitating.

I am faced with some new challenges in my family dynamics since my dad passed away (not so unlike what many go through when their role in the family changes). I'm on a new med that inhibits the production of estrogen and progesterone in my body.....and to my great dismay and related to this blog....I've gained a ton of weight over the last year...(OK well maybe not a ton), but enough to be noticeable and enough so that I have a closet full full full of clothes that I can no longer get into.....and enough so that I don't feel fit and healthy.  So I must put my big girl panties on (no pun intended) and face all three of these situations....and if necessary take whatever cognitive exercises or medication the experts might suggest I try.  And I've made up my mind and ask for a consultation with an expert to discuss just that.

On my own, I have made myself, even though I don't always feel like it....get myself outside to walk a brisk and calorie burning walk....get myself to the gym to cycle for an hour.....or treadmill for an hour....or do some machines and weights.  I know that works for me and there is no physical reason why I can't and should not get back to that routine.  I'm trying not to concentrate on the numbers on the scale.....they make me sad....but right now my goal is to get myself feeling, looking and being healthy again...........and to get myself into a happy state of mind (regardless of what life is throwing at me or whatever negativity I encounter). 

It may sound selfish, but this second cancer has made me realize (and I am trying desperately to accept) that I can only do the best I can do and offer the time I can spare to help others, but I have to learn to take care of myself........or I will be of no help to anyone else.  My new mantra and the new screen saver on my computer is this:
Maybe someday I will learn to relax!


And today I find comfort in these posters:

  The control freak in me struggles immensely with this...I've had to learn that I can only control half of life: my half. The other half is up to everyone else. I need to relax because I can't change them. I need to relax. One more time for the cheap seats: I need to relax..They will never stop trying to bring you down.  Their true colors show and your learning each day as more people who know them contact you to tell you to relax, "it's just the way they are".  People see right through them.  Hang strong and be yourself.Goobye Negativity! 
So if today you are feeling lost, confused, sad, angry, anxious, depressed.....then here, take my hand....lets compare notes and maybe together we can find a way back to the Happiness Highway..........after all we kicked Cancer in the rear, and we are strong and on the road back to being healthy...

I'll try to write more this week..... at the end of next week and for about a week...I'll be traveling to a place where I can (hopefully) truly relax....going to spend time with some angels in my life in a warm and sunny place. If I have internet...I'll write....if I don't...I'll write on paper and transfer it to here when I get back.....

Shout out to my dear friend Barb...who is off relaxing in the Caribbean....Enjoy!

If you're trying to fight the demons and get back on track....honk if you pass...I'll be waving!

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