Lightning can strike twice

"Bulletproof
    Nothing to lose
       Fire Away, Fire Away
You shoot me down
     But I won't fall
       I am Titanium"......... Thank you Sia Furler and David Guetta....

Who would ever think that someone 65 years old would relate to that song......but I do, who would ever think that lightning could indeed strike twice........but it does. I'd never believe that I could get breast cancer yet again....but I did.

This is my journey.....for the second time. I won the battle last time and I plan on winning it again.  Let me back up a bit and bring you up to speed.

On Tuesday, October 8th, I went in for my yearly mammogram expecting to hear exactly what I'd been hearing for the last 10 years (11 since my breast cancer on the left side)....."Everything looks good, see you next year!"  That's what I expected to hear........but someone changed the dialog on me.  Instead I heard "we need to do a couple extra films", "we see some areas that we think are calcification, but with your 'history', we should biopsy the spot.....can we do it today?"  WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY....A SPOT THAT NEEDS TO BE BIOPSIED.....TODAY!

OK, Peggy put on your brave face, act like this is just a passing check that has to be done....it's nothing but calcification, you've had that before. Smile, tell them yes you can do it today....of course you can...let's get this silliness over with so they can say......"Nope just calcification....See you next year."

They did the biopsy, I didn't feel a thing, they put a tiny piece of Titanium in the spot where they harvested the cells....you know, just in case....so when I'm examined again in 6 months, they'll know that spot has been looked at and is not new..........that was on Tuesday Oct. 8th......I could possibly hear something on Friday, but maybe not till the following Monday or Tuesday.  REALLY??? We can send a man to the moon, but we can't read a simple pathology report for 3-5 'business days'!  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday passed...no call.  Then on Monday, October 14th I went to my Core and Cycle fitness class and right in the middle of class my cell phone rings.......it was my "good news ring"....I just knew it.  "Peggy, this is Jennifer at the mammography department, can you talk?" I'm sorry to tell you the biopsy came back positive for cancer....we need to schedule an MRI to see if there are any more spots.

OK, Peggy put on your brave face and go back into class.....I kept telling myself that as the flood gates opened and I didn't try to stop them.....this can not be happening again.  It's bad enough to be diagnosed with breast cancer (or any kind of cancer) once....but twice...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!

I went for the MRI and they didn't see much else (thank goodness) but instead of .8mm the area was actually 1.2 cm .....grade 2, stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma with estrogen receptor.  I will have to have surgery to check the margins around the area and a Sentienal Lymph Node Biopsy where they check to see if any of the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes.  In my first breast cancer (on the left side), they removed 21 lymph nodes (all clean)...and probably not a necessary procedure.  I will have to have 4-6 weeks of radiation and depending on what they find with the lymph node biopsy, and the percentage of difference it might make to recurrence, I may have to have chemo. I know lots of people might opt to not have chemo, but I opted to have it 11 years ago....because you never know when there might be that one rogue cell that might have detached from the malignant area and be swimming around my blood stream looking for a place to settle and the percentages, as presented to me, warranted the value of getting it.  Granted  it is not fun and plays havoc to your immune system....but I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Tomorrow, October 23, I go in for my first consultation with the surgeon to set up an appointment for the surgery.   So until tomorrow.....

THINK POSITIVE AND THINK PINK!

 Peggy

Gathering My Thoughts---Making the shift....

I can't believe we are already into the middle of September...that it's been 6 months since my dad passed away and 6 months since I had my Achilles Tendon surgery. I still have 6 more months of recovery (probably from both) and both events still cause me pain from time to time.  

What I can believe is that my foot doctor has released me to once again take fitness classes and get back into the gym lifting weights and working the machines.  For that I am so grateful.

I can't believe how much weight I have put back on due to overeating....because of sadness, stress and virtually no activity due to being laid up with this dang torn Achilles Tendon. I haven't quite gained back all the weight I lost....but I was certainly headed that way.

So once again I have to make the resolve that I am going to get my determination and commitment back and start back working on getting fit and healthy and hopefully inspiring others to do the same.  I've even been thinking (again) about the possibility of getting a fitness trainer certification...or even a personal trainer certification and teaching a few classes at the gym where I go.  In the back of my mind, it is what I want to do....not sure what is holding me back or making me hesitate.

For those of you that follow me, I hope you've missed my writing.....because I have....I know that may sound strange, but I miss writing and trying to motivate you because in doing so I motivate myself.  Everything I'm saying to you, I'm saying to myself.  Remember, we're in this boat together.  I am where you are. I'm struggling as much as you are.

This morning I started reading a new book that I per-ordered and just received on my Kindle 2 days ago.  The Shift by Tory Johnson of Good Morning America

It is her story about "How she lost weight and discovered a happier life"

I just started reading it, am on page 33, and I'm already hooked....I know I will spend the rest of the morning/afternoon (until it's time to go to my Slim Down fitness class followed by my Aqua Boot Camp class).  I'm always opened to different ideas about losing weight and love hearing/reading real life stories from people who aren't out to sell you some kind of gimmick.....but rather just want to tell their story and what worked for them....because it might just work for me....and for you.  In her book she says:

"The Shift happens when you say, “This time I’m not going to fall for the gimmick or the quick scheme. This time I’ll stand up for my body and my health, and I will keep standing for myself, meal after meal, until I figure out my eating issues and get to my happy weight, whatever that may be.”"


I love that thought because really isn't that what it's all about....each of us figuring out what our eating issues are and getting to our own happy weight.  We're not all from the same cookie cutter and what works for you may not work for me and vice-verse.  What I set for a goal may not be what you set for a goal, or my happy healthy weight may be different than yours.  But I'm always opened to fresh ideas that might help me along the way.

As I was reading the first 33 pages of this book, I got to thinking that I hadn't written in this blog in a while and I needed to do that before I got lost in my reading.  When I am done, or as I'm reading along, I'll return with some more thoughts.  

I hope you make good food choices today.  I hope you get up and move today. I hope you make the decision today to make this time work.  In your morning bowl of fruit and fat free Greek yogurt, add a spoonful of determination and commitment.  We can do this....Yes we can! As I've seen on posters and as Tory reiterates the proverb in her book, "Fall down seven times....get back up eight". 

I am not going to let the events of the past year defeat me. What happened is a part of life (albeit a sad and challenging part).  I am going to take from the events this past year, the lessons they have to teach, hold close in my heart those precious memories I want to keep, continue to recover from my surgery and move forward, get back on track and resolve to make this plan work.

See you back here shortly....

Yours in health and fitness,

Peg

Challeng yourself....and please don't give up!

 

So I promised in my last post that I would write something each day and as you can obviously see that hasn't happened!

But I have been exercising and reasonably watching what I eat.  I've started going to a core and cycle class twice a week where we do 1/2 hour of core work and a 1/2 hour of indoor cycling.  Core work is so so so important.  It's what gives you good upper body strength and great posture.  Things that are so important as we age. When you engage your core you have better balance and you tend to hold your head up higher.  My trainer always says to hold your head up high and walk in any room like you own it.  If you keep at your core work you will eliminate that ugly belly pooch....which really is important for both women and men.  Cycling of course is a great cardio workout and when you really get into it (it takes a while to be able to stand and get the gears up), but when you can do that you can really burn the calories. 

Having had my surgery for my torn Achilles Tendon, I am having to take it very slow, but as the poster says.....

I've also started doing a 30 day squat challenge....here it is foget the May.....It can be any month.  I'm on day 4 and although it's been a challenge, it's doable.  Now I'm not usually someone who compares myself to anyone else and I challenge myself (because we are all different), but someone recently ask Carrie Underwood how she got her fab legs

and her answer was Squats, Squats, Squats.  They really do tone your legs. But that's just me....I'm not saying you have to take this squat challenge.....I'm just saying once again You are the hope you've been waiting for and I believe in order to make progress you have to challenge yourself.  You have to step out of your comfort zone. You have to push yourself and then push a little harder.  She of course does other leg work...some of which you can see here on this video:    
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=O4ggLE4SQRo&list=UUM1Nde-9 

If you're a Pinterest users you can find all kinds of challenges on there to try.  I just came across 

this one:    This is one of my favorites and I am here to tell you it works...if you want to build up your endurance time for a plank.  Before my surgery when I was in my exercise heyday....I had worked up to 7 minutes.  You just have to do it almost everyday.  So I do mine in the morning along with my squat challenge.  As the old saying goes "when you don't use it you lose it" and that sure applies here.  I've just started the challenge again (and we are doing it in our core and cycle class) and I am only up to 2 mins.  This will truly make your core tight.  One secret is that when your arms start shaking, engage your core....really pull that belly button in and it will take some of the strain off your arms.  I like to do the straight arm plank, but do whatever works for you. Another secret is  to keep your head up and stare at one spot....these practices really help and most importantly don't hold your breath...Breathe!

Well I guess that's enough challenge for today. I'm so happy to be returning to fitness classes and the gym.  I have a long way to go to get back to where I was a year ago but I'm putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step and one day at a time....and I know I will get there.

Remember to challenge yourself....           

I'm here for you if you want to comment or ask questions.  In 99 days I will be 65 years old....and I am a true believer that you are never too old to get fit and healthy...and this is still one of my goals:
    
GO AT YOUR OWN PACE, BUT PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP

An addict is an addict is an addict !

I wrote this on paper about two weeks ago...and just getting around to typing it in as a post...but every bit of the content is still real and prevalent and eating away at me!

I am an addict---there I've said it once more.  Food is my drug of choice.  Seriously, I am no different than a drug addict or an alcoholic that was sober for a while and then relapsed - big time.  I have fallen down that rabbit hole and 'in my mind' am clambering to get out. But in real life I can't wait for my next fix and am exhibiting all the telltale signs of an addict......

           Hiding candy for a quick fix (in the 'fun size' because after all they are small)...never thinking that if
           you have 3-4-5 fun size bars a day, you've had a regular candy bar or 2!

           Eating fried food and taking bigger portions and sometimes seconds....because after all I lost my
           daddy in March and he loved fried food. And I surely must be suffering from Kummerspeck which is
           a German word that means "grief bacon" and refers to the excess weight gained from
           emotion- related overeating!

           Snacking all day long to relieve the "hand to mouth - something crunchy urge".

            Not going to the gym or doing any (or at least much) exercise because after all I had Achilles Tendon
            surgery 4 months ago -- even though I'm all healed (for the most part) & have been given the OK to
            start back slowly on my full routine.

            Making excuses at every turn and with every spoon full of food I shovel into my mouth.

I'm caught (once again) in the vicious cycle of being stressed and eating to comfort that stress and then being stressed because all that comfort eating is showing its ugly head on my face, stomach, arms, and legs--and the ultimate pain-- on the UGLY numbers of the UGLY scale.

I can so relate to a drug addict or an alcoholic (never thought I'd say that because I don't drink and have never....and will never do drugs), but I can relate.  Food especially sweets give me that high that surely alcoholics must get from booze or drug addicts must get from their fix. Like them, I know I need to get my addiction under control, but it seems to be spiraling out of control.

I've talked before about losing my commitment and needing to get it back.  I feel that more than ever now.  The clothes in my closet don't fit (and I threw out the bigger sizes--vowing to NEVER returning there again!) I feel sluggish and sedentary..which I know as sure as I'm sitting here writing are direct results of my overeating and not exercising.

So how do I get my commitment back?  How do I start to rehab? I NEED AN INTERVENTION! Sharing these truths with you of what's happened and is happening in my life is a start...

I've stopped going to my weigh-ins (sorry Whitney and Caroline), not unlike an alcoholic that stops going to AA meetings.  I know what I'm suppose to do and what/how much I'm suppose to eat...I know you can't out exercise a bad diet....I know I need to exercise. When you weigh in and 2 pounds gained turns into 5 --turns into 10--turns into 25+ from when you were doing so well last year--it's even more depressing and stressful--so why put myself through that...right? Well let's think about this Peggy, what have you preached to your fellow Lighten Up For Life friends and blog followers -- those you've tried to motivate--those who have applauded you as their hero and inspiration?  What you've preached is accountability.  So why doesn't that apply to you?  Weighing in makes you accountable.  The people weighing you in are not judging you.  They are helping you be accountable.

I'm a strong woman, who yes has had a difficult matter of months (I lost my sweet 89 year old daddy and my 92 year old uncle in just a matter of months apart) and yes I've had a major surgery to repair a torn Achilles Tendon...it's the kind of injury that can end a professional athlete's career....So yes Peggy you've had a tough year but you've had tough years before.  Eleven years ago I lost my husband of 25 years to Emphysema and was diagnosed with breast cancer a week later.  I had to be strong to get through those two devastating events.  I used those two tragedies to grow and move forward in my life.  It's time to do that again. Yes I've had tragedy and sadness and you're allowed me to grieve for your losses and recover from surgery--but you can't dwell on the sadness and the pain.  You can't continue to use them as excuses to wallow, lest you move backwards....and that my friends is what I have done.

It's time to pull myself up from my bootstraps and 'once again' start anew.  It's time to set up some new short term achievable goals and some new long term lasting goals.  It's time to learn from what got me back to being overwhelmed by my addiction.  An addict is an addict...is an addict. I have a wonderful friend who is an alcoholic.  He's been sober over 30 years now, but he's still an alcoholic--'his words, not mine'...because it's an addiction....addictions have to be dealt with every day.

Light bulb going off in my head ...Food for me is an addiction.  I am a food addict.  I'll always be a food addict.  It's something I have to deal with every day.  As I'm writing this, I got to thinking that in some ways having food as your drug of choice may be worse than having alcohol or drugs as your addiction--because after all, we don't have to 'do' drugs or drink alcohol to survive....but we do have to eat.

Well Peggy....think about what you just said...that's not true.....yes we have to eat to stay alive and be healthy, but we don't have to have fried foods, or candy, or ice cream & cake, or pie or butter or pasta dripping in Alfredo sauce or enormous amounts of salt or soda....the list goes on and on...of things we don't have to eat or have to stay alive and we certainly don't and should not eat those things on a regular basis to be healthy....so 'Peggy' don't go down that pity party path to "oh poor me--I have an addiction that's harder to overcome.  If anyone is a sober alcoholic or recovering drug addict, I can see their heads shaking affirmatively (after the steam stops coming out of their ears)....at my statements above. Any of them can tell me that at some point they felt that alcohol and those drugs were needed to survive and they fought the battle every day.........like I need to fight the battle every day....And some of them....many of them...are doing a much better job at it than I am.

But I must digress.  I'm no longer going to beat myself up over this anymore (she says as she inhales deeply and pounds her fist on the table).  Beating yourself up for your addiction gets you no where except maybe deeper down the rabbit hole (thank you Alice in Wonderland) and more depressed and stressed out.  Use that energy to boost yourself up.  They say you have to hit rock bottom to realize you need help and to start pulling yourself up inch by inch....craggy rock by craggy rock....pound lost by pound lost....stronger muscles by stronger muscles.

July 29, 2013

Today I've reached that point. (Well actually yesterday I reached that point).  I was helping my 88 year old mom with a garage sale she was having and to my great surprise, she was selling some of my old "bigger sized" clothes.......and I took a few of them in the house to try on (because remember I now have a closet full of smaller sized clothes I can't get into) and to my great heartbreak and dismay, the larger sizes fit and felt so much more comfortable.  I realized then standing in front of the mirror I had reached my rock bottom.  I realized I talk the talk...but I don't walk the walk. I'm like an evangelist that preaches faithfulness to your spouse and then has an affair.  I have to read the words of encouragement and truth I've written in past posts and realize I was not only trying to inspire you....I need to read those words to myself.  I can't write in this blog and help you understand what you need to do to get fit and healthy, if I don't live those words myself.  Like our old friend Susan Powter once yelled ....it's time for me to STOP THE INSANITY.

I don't want to continue letting this addiction get the best of me.  I want to be the healthy happy fit person I was last year....so right here...right now...I'm making this vow to you...and just as importantly to myself.  I am going to fight this battle and win this war.  I'm going to refocus and remember 'our' goal to be fit and healthy at 99.  Starting today I'm making a "pinky swear" - girl scout honer - that I will return to this blog on a daily basis.  I'll share with you each day how the battle is going....I know I'll have struggles...but there will also be accomplishments and celebrations of achievement...no matter how small.

 I probably won't go to the closing meeting this coming Wednesday for the most current session of Lighten Up For Life...the awards ceremony....because I just don't feel that strong again yet.  I feel like I've let not only me, but others that I tried to inspire down and even thinking of walking in there makes me cry right now...but I'll be back when the next session starts in September....I will...I PROMISE!

But I do feel strong enough today to start my exercise program again and so in an hour, I am going to be at the fitness center to restart my core and cycle class....it's a start and like any rehab to an addiction, it starts by putting one foot in front of the other...taking one step at a time....one day at a time.  So let me go wash these tears off my face and start back down this road again.

......because you are right Belinda, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!



           

My message today is short & for myself.....but feel free to make it your message too

 Oh yes I know her....the old me....and she is not going to win this time!