An addict is an addict is an addict !

I wrote this on paper about two weeks ago...and just getting around to typing it in as a post...but every bit of the content is still real and prevalent and eating away at me!

I am an addict---there I've said it once more.  Food is my drug of choice.  Seriously, I am no different than a drug addict or an alcoholic that was sober for a while and then relapsed - big time.  I have fallen down that rabbit hole and 'in my mind' am clambering to get out. But in real life I can't wait for my next fix and am exhibiting all the telltale signs of an addict......

           Hiding candy for a quick fix (in the 'fun size' because after all they are small)...never thinking that if
           you have 3-4-5 fun size bars a day, you've had a regular candy bar or 2!

           Eating fried food and taking bigger portions and sometimes seconds....because after all I lost my
           daddy in March and he loved fried food. And I surely must be suffering from Kummerspeck which is
           a German word that means "grief bacon" and refers to the excess weight gained from
           emotion- related overeating!

           Snacking all day long to relieve the "hand to mouth - something crunchy urge".

            Not going to the gym or doing any (or at least much) exercise because after all I had Achilles Tendon
            surgery 4 months ago -- even though I'm all healed (for the most part) & have been given the OK to
            start back slowly on my full routine.

            Making excuses at every turn and with every spoon full of food I shovel into my mouth.

I'm caught (once again) in the vicious cycle of being stressed and eating to comfort that stress and then being stressed because all that comfort eating is showing its ugly head on my face, stomach, arms, and legs--and the ultimate pain-- on the UGLY numbers of the UGLY scale.

I can so relate to a drug addict or an alcoholic (never thought I'd say that because I don't drink and have never....and will never do drugs), but I can relate.  Food especially sweets give me that high that surely alcoholics must get from booze or drug addicts must get from their fix. Like them, I know I need to get my addiction under control, but it seems to be spiraling out of control.

I've talked before about losing my commitment and needing to get it back.  I feel that more than ever now.  The clothes in my closet don't fit (and I threw out the bigger sizes--vowing to NEVER returning there again!) I feel sluggish and sedentary..which I know as sure as I'm sitting here writing are direct results of my overeating and not exercising.

So how do I get my commitment back?  How do I start to rehab? I NEED AN INTERVENTION! Sharing these truths with you of what's happened and is happening in my life is a start...

I've stopped going to my weigh-ins (sorry Whitney and Caroline), not unlike an alcoholic that stops going to AA meetings.  I know what I'm suppose to do and what/how much I'm suppose to eat...I know you can't out exercise a bad diet....I know I need to exercise. When you weigh in and 2 pounds gained turns into 5 --turns into 10--turns into 25+ from when you were doing so well last year--it's even more depressing and stressful--so why put myself through that...right? Well let's think about this Peggy, what have you preached to your fellow Lighten Up For Life friends and blog followers -- those you've tried to motivate--those who have applauded you as their hero and inspiration?  What you've preached is accountability.  So why doesn't that apply to you?  Weighing in makes you accountable.  The people weighing you in are not judging you.  They are helping you be accountable.

I'm a strong woman, who yes has had a difficult matter of months (I lost my sweet 89 year old daddy and my 92 year old uncle in just a matter of months apart) and yes I've had a major surgery to repair a torn Achilles Tendon...it's the kind of injury that can end a professional athlete's career....So yes Peggy you've had a tough year but you've had tough years before.  Eleven years ago I lost my husband of 25 years to Emphysema and was diagnosed with breast cancer a week later.  I had to be strong to get through those two devastating events.  I used those two tragedies to grow and move forward in my life.  It's time to do that again. Yes I've had tragedy and sadness and you're allowed me to grieve for your losses and recover from surgery--but you can't dwell on the sadness and the pain.  You can't continue to use them as excuses to wallow, lest you move backwards....and that my friends is what I have done.

It's time to pull myself up from my bootstraps and 'once again' start anew.  It's time to set up some new short term achievable goals and some new long term lasting goals.  It's time to learn from what got me back to being overwhelmed by my addiction.  An addict is an addict...is an addict. I have a wonderful friend who is an alcoholic.  He's been sober over 30 years now, but he's still an alcoholic--'his words, not mine'...because it's an addiction....addictions have to be dealt with every day.

Light bulb going off in my head ...Food for me is an addiction.  I am a food addict.  I'll always be a food addict.  It's something I have to deal with every day.  As I'm writing this, I got to thinking that in some ways having food as your drug of choice may be worse than having alcohol or drugs as your addiction--because after all, we don't have to 'do' drugs or drink alcohol to survive....but we do have to eat.

Well Peggy....think about what you just said...that's not true.....yes we have to eat to stay alive and be healthy, but we don't have to have fried foods, or candy, or ice cream & cake, or pie or butter or pasta dripping in Alfredo sauce or enormous amounts of salt or soda....the list goes on and on...of things we don't have to eat or have to stay alive and we certainly don't and should not eat those things on a regular basis to be healthy....so 'Peggy' don't go down that pity party path to "oh poor me--I have an addiction that's harder to overcome.  If anyone is a sober alcoholic or recovering drug addict, I can see their heads shaking affirmatively (after the steam stops coming out of their ears)....at my statements above. Any of them can tell me that at some point they felt that alcohol and those drugs were needed to survive and they fought the battle every day.........like I need to fight the battle every day....And some of them....many of them...are doing a much better job at it than I am.

But I must digress.  I'm no longer going to beat myself up over this anymore (she says as she inhales deeply and pounds her fist on the table).  Beating yourself up for your addiction gets you no where except maybe deeper down the rabbit hole (thank you Alice in Wonderland) and more depressed and stressed out.  Use that energy to boost yourself up.  They say you have to hit rock bottom to realize you need help and to start pulling yourself up inch by inch....craggy rock by craggy rock....pound lost by pound lost....stronger muscles by stronger muscles.

July 29, 2013

Today I've reached that point. (Well actually yesterday I reached that point).  I was helping my 88 year old mom with a garage sale she was having and to my great surprise, she was selling some of my old "bigger sized" clothes.......and I took a few of them in the house to try on (because remember I now have a closet full of smaller sized clothes I can't get into) and to my great heartbreak and dismay, the larger sizes fit and felt so much more comfortable.  I realized then standing in front of the mirror I had reached my rock bottom.  I realized I talk the talk...but I don't walk the walk. I'm like an evangelist that preaches faithfulness to your spouse and then has an affair.  I have to read the words of encouragement and truth I've written in past posts and realize I was not only trying to inspire you....I need to read those words to myself.  I can't write in this blog and help you understand what you need to do to get fit and healthy, if I don't live those words myself.  Like our old friend Susan Powter once yelled ....it's time for me to STOP THE INSANITY.

I don't want to continue letting this addiction get the best of me.  I want to be the healthy happy fit person I was last year....so right here...right now...I'm making this vow to you...and just as importantly to myself.  I am going to fight this battle and win this war.  I'm going to refocus and remember 'our' goal to be fit and healthy at 99.  Starting today I'm making a "pinky swear" - girl scout honer - that I will return to this blog on a daily basis.  I'll share with you each day how the battle is going....I know I'll have struggles...but there will also be accomplishments and celebrations of achievement...no matter how small.

 I probably won't go to the closing meeting this coming Wednesday for the most current session of Lighten Up For Life...the awards ceremony....because I just don't feel that strong again yet.  I feel like I've let not only me, but others that I tried to inspire down and even thinking of walking in there makes me cry right now...but I'll be back when the next session starts in September....I will...I PROMISE!

But I do feel strong enough today to start my exercise program again and so in an hour, I am going to be at the fitness center to restart my core and cycle class....it's a start and like any rehab to an addiction, it starts by putting one foot in front of the other...taking one step at a time....one day at a time.  So let me go wash these tears off my face and start back down this road again.

......because you are right Belinda, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!